A strongly worded letter

[DWM]

Dear Vancouver Poetry Community,

recently and swiftly kicked out of your Haiku Death Match, this is my bitter rant:

I was shocked and disheartened to hear so many competitors pandering to the absolute lowest common denominator.  IMHO, there's nothing creative or interesting about piss, cum, or shit.  It amuses drunk, horny people with half their brain-cells firing--that is your pathetic little world.  If you're content wallowing in it, fantastic.  But don't make excuses for yourselves by saying that poets today have to respond to the desires of contemporary audiences.  You create that world as much as it informs your work.  Other kinds of poetry attract other kinds of audiences...  I joke with my friends about the idea that modern society is like a Breugel painting, but tonight, I lived it.  Barbarism!  Sung from the mouths of our "poets".  You besmirch the name.

Thanks for absorbing my discontent   
David

[admin]

Hi David,

I was thinking of writing a long essay with philosophical, historical and psychological rebuttals to your rant. But then I read it again. And I think it's pretty obvious that even you acknowledge this is not a serious objection but simply bitterness talking.

I've talked with you before at Van Slam events, and you seemed to be enjoying them very much. And then, you get up on stage, and after feeling rejected by the audience, you suddenly condemn the entire community. It's pretty obvious that this lashing out comes from personal hurt, and is not a well-reasoned critique of the shortcomings of populist poetry.

Thus, this is my reply to your strongly worded letter:

[Father Goose]

I have to agree with David. There was not NEAR enough piss, cum and/or shit in the numerous haiku presented on stage the other night. If we want to truly appreciate the arts for what they are we're gonna have to sink to some new levels people! Shame on you poetry community for allowing so much serious drivel, including the likes of, sniffle sniff, tear jerking anti-cancer poems to ruin the night of some of us SERIOUS seekers of creative genius and all its rewards. We are nothing more than a loud minority it seems, but we will continue to be boisterous until we get our proper fill of piss, cum and shit! We is more intelligent than you think.

And Chris, that Steve Martin poster is a sad, sad attempt at fooling the insanely intelligent Mensa monsters who grace the hallowed halls of this forum. Anyone can see that the kitten is clearly not distressed in any way and so therefor the iron is obviously not even turned on. Ha ha, very funny poetry community, very funny indeed!

Curmudgeonly yours,

Joe King.

[gilhan yuri]

cock almighty! he's probably right but SO WHAT?

[Prostechnic Jelz]

'besmirch'  ...  I like that  ...  betcha' the whole thing was a setup just to use that word  ...  didn't Tom Thompson do a whole Group of 7 thing painting besmirches  ...  no, wait, that was a different type of tree wasn't it?  ...  so let me guess: this guy had to go on stage after Fernando had done a haiku about piss, cum & shit  ...  and he showed poorly, didn't he?  ...  this would sort of be like me taking my paint-by-numbers set into the Sistine Chapel & complaining about that Rembrandt guy  ...  like why does he get all those colours?  ...  and don't I get any credit for staying inside the lines?  ...  and when the doofus slags drunk, horny, pathetic people with half their brain cells firing; well what exactly does this guy have against Canucks fans  ...  'just lay down the hockey stick, sir, and no one will get hurt'  ...  I think this guy misses the whole point that Slam works exceptionally hard to address the lowest common denominator  ...  there is a certain skill & elegance involved that he completely misses  ...  and gawd forbid that poets respond to the desires of contemporary audiences  ...  nooooooooooo, far better to retreat to a solitary cave & masturbate in the dark  ...  yup, that works for me  ...  Jelz

[Duncan Shields]

Well, yeah!  Personally, your haiku was my favourite that night, David, assuming you're the person I beat in the first round.  Your "What's that?  I didn't quite hear you.  Could you speak up a little?" haiku is one of the few that I actually remember from that night.  Plus your delivery of it was hilarious.  Ironically, when you turned to address it to me, the audience couldn't hear it clearly so that might have had something to do with your defeat.  I'm sorry for your loss.

Last year, I came with some heartfelt pieces.  I made it to semi-finals but got knocked out when I tried to seduce the audience with beautiful pieces.  To be fair, when Fernando opened up his and mine's bout on Monday with a nice haiku, I returned in kind.  Then he went dirty so I rejoined the pack.

Sounds like you have the taste of sour grapes in your mouth.  Which I completely commiserate with and understand.  On Monday, I took an 'if you can't beat 'em, join 'em' attitude and got filthy with the haiku and I won. 

Come on back to the regular slams and enjoy the normal quality of beauty that we endeavor to strive for.  I can't apologize for the haiku deathmatch as the sold-out audience seemed to be WELL entertained.  But it is only once a year.

Love,

Duncan (The wiener of the Haiku Deathmatch.  Oh man.  I said wiener.  Jeez, I just can't seem to STOP!) : )

[RCW]

I agree with you, David that there is often a lock of cock, piss, cum and balls when it has to do with our haikus.  But so what?

Swearing is holy magic...a dick slap in the face of fundamenatlism and self righteousness.

But I encourage you to stick to your guns and take the high road.  No need to be down in the mud with us.  Not everyone wants that from their poets or their poetry.  I think it's a lot of fun though.

[Shannon]

David was not the only one to complain that night. A few people actually left and stated 'they were never coming back' citing the content as too much for them

Why are some of you jumping on David and saying he stewed in sour grapes?
He is entitled to his opinion.  And I agree, there was a lot of bathroom humor poems.

So what? Well, for some people cock, piss and cum haiku/jokes is the lowest common denominator.  I personally do not like them, so I certainly have no desire to sit through one more of those kind of nights.  But for others they are a fun celebration of sexuality and contemporary culture and they wan t to hear more.  So those people will be returning. 

Each to their own.

[gilhan yuri]

of course he is entitled to his opinion. nobody is jumping on anyone. but we are also entitled to our opinion of his opinion. it works both ways.

[Duncan Shields]

If people want to give the haiku slam a miss for ever and ever because it's too heavy on the potty mouth, I don't blame them.  If they never come back to the slam period, that's too bad but unavoidable I think, unless we tell every competitor next year to only write pretty haiku and I don't think that's going to happen.

I think we're all engaged in some good-natured ribbing here.  No one's disagreeing with David about the baying mob's love of dick jokes. It was a major gripe last year and it's a major gripe this year.  Comedy sells in haiku, especially the dirty variety. We all recognize it as a valid point.  It's once a year, though.  Regular slams aren't like that. 

[Shannon]

of course he is entitled to his opinion. nobody is jumping on anyone. but we are also entitled to our opinion of his opinion. it works both ways.

the following is what made me bring this up:

"and after feeling rejected by the audience, you suddenly condemn the entire community. It's pretty obvious that this lashing out comes from personal hurt, and is not a well-reasoned critique of the shortcomings of populist poetry"

This does not sound like a respect in difference of opinion, it sounds like judgment.

[admin]

Yes, it's a judgment on the quality of his objection. It's a bitter rant, as he calls it, not a well-reasoned critique. If someone takes the time to make a serious, level-headed objection to our poetry scene, then I'll respond with a serious reply. Until then, Shannon, I must point out:

[BusinessSocialist]

In order to establish some artificial authority on the subject, last week's Haiku Deathmatch was my first time attending VPS.  The fact that I'm now a member of this forum and came to last night's show is a rather good indication that I enjoyed myself...  Personally, the title of the event was prophetic enough for me to realize I was in for something that Monty Python would describe as "completely different".  What I witnessed were a bunch of people having fun by throwing out the rule book with the exception of a 17 sylabol requirement.  It shouldn't be surprising that the audience responded well to humor -Especially regarding something as familiar and relatable as piss, cum, or shit!  If you want "traditional" poetry, I can recommend a cafe over in Burnaby Heights, but after the 10th mention of rainbows and unicorns, you might just scream one of the words that perturbed you the other night.

To each his own

[Father Goose]

@ Taylor........hellz ya! Well said.

And Chris. Where are you getting these crazy posters? They're fookin awesome!

[BusinessSocialist]

@ Taylor........hellz ya! Well said.

I blame it on stoicism.  When you remove expectation from the equation, all you really have left is objective analysis.  As a side benefit, its easier to enjoy low-brow poetry since I don't have to deal with all the frustration of wanting to hear one thing and getting something else.  Plus the anthropologist in me loves all the things that could be considered "strange behaviour"

Philosophy: A Guide To Happines, Part 3: 'Seneca on Anger'

[/philosophy rant]